Understanding Guilt: Differentiating Healthy and Unhealthy Guilt

Written By Demenna Milord, LMHC

Hey there, y’all! Today, we’re diving into the world of guilt—specifically, the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt. Guilt is an emotion that is typically not really talked about. It holds so much meaning to us nd deserves to be talked about so you know how to manage it in the healthiest of ways. Ready to dig in? Let’s go!

First things first: How do I define guilt? Here is the definition I like to use that is short and sweet. Guilt is when your actions don’t match up to your values. Guilt isn’t always a bad thing. Healthy guilt can be a helpful emotion that guides us to make amends with ourselves and to make decisions that align with the values we use in real time. Yes, you can sometimes be guided by the values of others, values from the past or society, as opposed to the values you really abide by, within your spirit and intuition.

Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, is a whole different story. It’s that nagging voice that constantly criticizes and blames you, communicating with you that you have really messed up and failed. Unhealthy guilt can stem from unrealistic expectations we’ve learned from others or society, past traumas, or chronic people-pleasing tendencies. It’s like carrying a heavy travel bag—filled with all typed of clothes and whatever that don’t even belong to you!

According to licensed clinical psychologist Katie Stiles and Christie Craft, she lets us know that everyone makes mistakes and there are some situations when feeling guilty is appropriate. They also state that learning from missteps and moving on with the hope that you can make better decisions in the future is a common human response to guilt or remorse.

Here’s how to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy guilt:

1. Source of Guilt: Healthy guilt usually arises from specific actions or behaviors that you recognize as [morally] wrong. For example, forgetting a friend’s birthday and feeling guilty about it. Unhealthy guilt often comes from vague or irrational beliefs, like feeling guilty for taking a day off to rest.

2. Intensity and Duration: Healthy guilt is typically proportional to the situation and fades once you’ve made amends. Unhealthy guilt is often disproportionate and lingers, making you feel constantly burdened. The intensity of our emotions can most definitely effect the actions and behaviors that come with making decisions that from an unhealthy guilt perspective.

3. Impact on Behavior: Healthy guilt motivates you to take positive actions, like apologizing [as truly needed!] or making changes that align with you in a healthy, forward moving way. Unhealthy guilt, however, can lead to negative behaviors like over-apologizing, over-pleasing, self-sabotaging yourself, or avoiding situations altogether. Just desperation at it’s worst!

So, how do you manage unhealthy guilt and cultivate healthy thinking patterns of guilt? Here are some tips:

1. Identify the Source: Reflect on where your guilt is coming from. Is it related to a specific value [or way of thinking, behaving, or acting] that you learned from someone or someplace, or is it a general feeling of inadequacy or low confidence within yourself? Understanding the source can help you address it more effectively in the present moment.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Did you know that, as humans, we experience something called the negativity bias. This bias is our tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events. When you feel guilty, ask yourself if your feelings are based on logical factual information in the present time or irrational beliefs [that may not really have anything to do with you]. Challenge any negative thoughts that are fueling your guilt. For example, remind yourself that it’s okay to take care of your own needs while simultaneously acknowledging that your views have changed and it may feel uncomfortable or distressing to a degree.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. Here are some healing affirmations to forgive yourself as needed, and let go of the negative guilt.

4. Make Amends When Necessary: If your guilt is healthy and related to a specific action, take steps to make amends. Apologize, learn from the experience, and commit to doing better in the future. Make amends with yourself, in addition to others as needed.

5. Set Boundaries: Recognize that you can’t please everyone all the time, at the same time. Set boundaries to protect your well-being and remind yourself that [even if you have a stronger emotional reaction] it’s okay to say no.

Remember, guilt is a natural emotion, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By differentiating between healthy and unhealthy guilt, you can navigate your emotions more effectively and make choices that support your well-being.

I encourage you to start reflecting on your experience of the emotion of guilt and take steps to manage it in a healthy way. You deserve to live a life free from unnecessary burdens. You’ve got this, and I’m here to support you every step of the way! Stay tuned for more tips and insights on managing guilt.

Article References:

Stiles, K. (2022, April 22). Why you might feel guilty all the time: What to do about it. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/why-you-feel-guilty-all-the-time

MSEd, K. C. (2023, November 13). What is the negativity bias? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618

Turonova, S. (2023, December 23). 17 Healing affirmations to forgive yourself. Silvia Turonova. https://silviaturon.com/17-healing-affirmations-to-forgive-yourself/

Demenna Milord, LMHC https://www.demthelmhc.com
Previous

Techniques for Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Self-Worth
Next

April: Celebrating Women's Eye Health and Safety