Family Dynamics: How Family Expectations Shape People Pleasing
Hello, and welcome back! I hope your week is going well. You’re halfway there, so keep your head up! Today, we’re diving into family dynamics and how they shape our people pleasing behaviors. Our relationships with people we call family can influence us deeply when it comes to our day to day decisions. Ready to dig into it? Let’s go!
Family is everything, right? Insert heavy side eye lol. Our families largely shape who we are, for better or for worse. They’re our first teachers, our role models, and our biggest influences. But sometimes, family expectations can push us into people pleasing territory so fast, we can crash and burn, and not realize how it all happened.
Let’s break down some common family dynamics that fuel people pleasing:
1. The Dutiful Daughter: Many of us are raised with the expectation to be dutiful daughters. This means always being respectful, obedient, and putting family first. While respecting our families is important, it can also mean sacrificing our own needs and desires to keep the peace. Often times when this is your reality, you may find it extremely difficult and/or uncomfortable to navigate conflict aka a difference in opinion. Maintaining a certain image of yourself, instead of you and what you want and how you are doing –is what others see. You may find yourself performing this role.
2. The Peacemaker: In some families, we take on the role of the peacemaker, always trying to smooth things over and avoid conflict. This can mean saying yes when we want to say no, just to keep everyone happy and avoid rocking the boat. Similar to The Dutiful Daughter, avoiding conflict and keeping the peace is the goal.
3. The Overachiever: If you grew up in a family that values achievement, you might feel the pressure to always excel and meet high expectations. This can lead to taking on too much and never saying no, even when you’re overwhelmed. Overachievers tend to struggle with implementing boundaries with their selves firstly, and then also with other people. Sometimes you might even feel like you’re ‘running like a motor’ and unable to shut off your brain or your actions.
These family dynamics can make it incredibly difficult to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. Remember this though: a lot of these behaviors and ways of being within your family dynamic were taught to you, likely, at an incredibly young age. When you are raised and conditioned to show up in the world a certain way, you may find yourself doing these things and behaving in these ways.
But here’s the thing: learning to say no, even to family, can be a valuable skill you can learn. Of course, implementing the boundary of no may take you some time, respectfully, but at the least learning about a new way of being might be super helpful to your personal development. In fact, setting boundaries with family can be one of the most important steps toward breaking the cycle of people pleasing.
Here are some tips to navigate expectations from others, including family:
1. Communicate Openly: Have honest conversations with your family about your needs and boundaries. Explain that saying no sometimes is necessary for your well-being. They might not get it at first, which may be difficult, but that’s okay. This is about your practicing and learning!
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Not just boundaries with others, but also boundaries with yourself [for example, following your night time routine because it helps you feel ready to tackle the next day]. Whether it’s saying no to taking on extra responsibilities or carving out time for yourself, be clear about what you need. If you have the privacy and feel safe to do it, I encourage you writing out what your potential boundaries may be. Allow yourself to write what comes out of your brain; you can edit and clean it up later! [Yes, I’m talking to the overachievers mostly here! Lol]
3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own well-being. This means learning about the importance of taking time for yourself, doing things that make you happy, and not feeling guilty about it. Guilt is an emotion that can take you over life a wave. If you want to learn more about how to overcome and understand guilt, check out the link to my YouTube page and playlist titled: ‘Overcoming Guilt Series’. I made these videos with YOU in mind, so feel free to enjoy them for your learning pleasure. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And you deserve to know how to pour from a cup that has liquid in it!
It’s also helpful to connect with others who understand your cultural background and can offer support and encouragement. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can make a big difference.
Remember, it’s okay to learn how to prioritize your own needs and set boundaries with family. You can still love and respect your family while also taking care of yourself. It’s not an either/or situation.
Stay tuned for more insights on navigating family dynamics and breaking the cycle of people pleasing. Check out my last blog on the people pleasing series here:
Last Blog: Cultural Expectations and Their Impact on Women of Color
You’ve got this, and we’re in this together!
