Why It's Hard to Say No: The Psychology Behind People Pleasing
Ever found yourself agreeing to something you didn’t want to do, all because you couldn’t muster up a “no”? Welcome to the club. Today, we’re diving into why saying “no” feels harder than running a marathon in stilettos.
First, let’s get one thing straight: saying “no” is not a bad thing. It’s actually a healthy, necessary part of life. You feel guilty, anxious, and worried about disappointing others. So, what’s going on in our brains?
One big reason is the fear of rejection. We’re social creatures, and being accepted by our peers is a big deal. For women of color, this can be compounded by cultural expectations to be nurturing and accommodating. Saying “no” might feel like we’re risking our relationships or social standing. Which is quite an extreme thought!
Another factor is self-worth. Many people pleasers tie their self-worth to how much they can do for others. If you’re always the “go-to” person, it can feel like your value is wrapped up in being helpful. Saying “no” feels like letting people down and, in turn, questioning your own worth.
Let’s not forget about conflict avoidance. Saying “no” can lead to confrontation, and let’s face it, most of us would rather avoid that. We prefer to ‘keep the peace’, even if it means overloading ourselves. It’s important to remember here that if you betray yourself, you will likely feel internal conflict with yourself.
Now, here’s the kicker: our brains are wired to reward us for helping others. When we say “yes” and make someone happy, our brains release feel-good chemicals like dopamine. It’s like getting a high-five from your brain. This makes it easy to fall into a cycle of people pleasing. Take a look at this chart to increase your understanding of how our actions can affect different chemicals in your brain
Happiness Brain Chemicals
So, how do we break free? Here are some tips to start with:
Practice Saying No: Start small. Say “no, thank you” to the barista when they ask if you want whipped cream on your latte. Work your way up to bigger things.
Delay Your Response: If someone asks you for something, say you need to check your calendar(s) first. This gives you time to consider your own needs and reduces the pressure to immediately say “yes.”
Use “I” Statements: Frame your refusal in terms of your own needs. For example, “I need some time to myself this weekend, so I won’t be free” is a lot more effective (and kinder) than “I can’t help you.”
Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a healthier, happier person. And people who care about you will respect that. They may have feelings about it, but they should be able to display respect for you.
Next time you’re tempted to say “yes” when you really want to say “no,” take a deep breath and remember: your needs matter and strategy helps! Stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready. You’ve got this!
