4 Tips to Decrease Codependency with Family Members.
Codependency can work its way into any family relationship in a very subtle, and oftentimes, harmful way. The term codependency can be described as a person belonging to a dysfunctional relationship where one individual relies on the other person for meeting many emotional and self-esteem needs. I found a great quote by Barbara De Angelis, that talks about a valid part of the codependency cycle. It states,”…in all codependent relationships, the rescuer needs the victim as much as the victim needs the rescuer”.
In family relationships, the cycle of codependency can happen a bit quicker because there can already be an increased level of closeness between two or more individuals. Codependency can look like a cycle in a family relationship that seems like it might not end. One person can end up feeling responsible for the well-being, feelings, and actions of the other family member. Feelings of codependency can look or feel like guilt, anxiety/worry, perfectionism, and/or denial of one’s one needs for that of someone else’s.
In any relationship with family members, there should be a reasonable balance between the needs of both individuals so that both parties can feel good about how the relationship is progressing.
Here are 4 tips to decrease codependency with family members:
1. Define Codependent Traits in Your Relationship. Knowing how codependency shows up in each of your individual relationships is important – this is the first step in identifying how you can change what is going on. If you frequently feel:
a. Super responsible for the feelings of another family member,
b. Have difficulty saying no [even when that’s the best decision for you]
c. Find it hard to emotionally detach yourself from the family member
Then it is likely that codependency plays a large part in your family relationship.
2. Create Healthy Detachment. Healthy detachment is defined as letting go emotionally of a person or situation without ignoring them or avoiding them. This can be easier said than done – this is where the importance of strategy comes into play. Once you know the codependent traits in your family relationship, then you can work to shift and change how you respond. For example, if you have a habit of feeling super responsible for the feelings of another family member, then analyzing why you feel responsible is the next step. It’s important that you do this with a healthy lifeline or support, like a friend, support group, or therapist.
3. Avoid the ‘Hero Complex’. This can also be called the ‘Savior Complex’ – and looks like you striving to be the hero of a situation within your family. Like I discuss in the blog post What are Family Roles? the person that plays this role in the family unit is a high achiever, carries the pride of the family, and can overcompensate to avoid looking or feeling inadequate. Accepting that family members will need to naturally find their way through life is important to keep in mind, if you have a habit of playing this role within your family.
4. Set Healthy Limits. Setting these limits are truly similar to setting boundaries. What’s important to remember here is that it takes time and conscious effort to set these healthy limits. With the example I used when discussing tip 2 – Creating Healthy Detachment – once you analyze why you feel super responsible for the feelings of another family member, it’s important to then put into practice how you will actively set your healthy limit. For example, if this family member is in emotional discomfort about a situation they are going through, it’s important that you don’t ask more than once if there is anything you can do to support them. If they say no, then you have to find a way to accept their limit and sit with the emotions you are feeling by distracting yourself in a healthy way. This is where reaching out to your healthy lifelines and support systems can help you manage these emotions.
It’s possible to decrease codependency with family members. It takes time. If you are consistent and trust the process, you will start to see changes in yourself. You’ll have more self-confidence and self-trust. You can’t change others, but you can change yourself. Start today!
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